I suspect that many of our readers are parents. And as parents, the odds are good that most of us have faced a toddler’s tantrum at one time or another.
Often a tantrum is the result of frustration. I remember having a conversation with author and childhood expert, Jennifer Kolari as a first-time mother. I was struggling with my 2-year-old son’s reaction to daily life. She explained to me that his 2-year-old brain was likely having trouble coping with the frustration of expressing complex ideas using words.
“It would be like us having to express ourselves in complete sentences without using the letter R”, she said.
I began to understand that his frustration, mixed with other everyday factors such as physical discomfort, constipation, sleepiness, hurt feelings, etc. created an irrational explosion of behaviour. Any attempt on my part to reason with him served to escalate the undesirable behaviour. Most parents learn (one way or another) that the only way to deal with a tantrum is to keep our babies safe, wait for those big feelings to subside, identify the main issue, deal with it and carry on.
Interestingly, the emotional bomb that is a tantrum has the exact same origin in people with dementia. It can come from a place of built-up frustration around the reduced ability to identify the specific problem and reduced ability to explain that problem to someone who may be able to help.
Marilyn Wasney, Director of Engagement at Cedarhurst Dementia Care Home in Toronto www.cedarhursthome.ca shared that “specialized caregivers at Cedarhurst will work to move the individual to a place of calm while holding space for them. Once the initial eruption has subsided, they will review the resident’s day, one interaction at a time, to determine the source of distress and endeavour to meet that unmet need, and prevent it from occurring again.” Proven strategies and their expertise are just some of the reasons specialized residences make such a difference in people’s lives.
Often the source of the outburst is something quite fixable. However, the combination of fear, frustration, amount of time passed and resulting discomfort combine to create an emotional event that is far beyond what would be considered normal.
As many parents and professional caregivers understand confrontation in these situations will likely lead to an escalated response. And while it is important to create safe spaces, and to restate the rules of engagement, it is critical to recognize that some behaviours are in fact a tantrum, requiring a response that will allow unmet needs to be met.
Meanwhile, as we watch the news while doom scrolling…we couldn’t help but notice a fairly substantial tantrum being had. Perhaps this person is just not able to fully express themselves and have their needs met. Do they want to re-negotiate a certain trade deal? Do they want to complete the biggest real estate deal in recent history? Do they want to be crowned the king of America? We can only ponder. However, we digress. The more salient point is that it is always preferable to see the tantrum for what it is and respond with calm and civility.
