When it comes to aging loved ones, if you see something, say something
The holiday season is approaching rapidly and many of us will be gathering with our extended families. Some may not have seen their elderly relatives in a while. Some may be surprised at the changes time has brought, and while normal, most of us will avoid any discussion of what these changes mean.
In that avoidance we find the core of the shame associated with aging in our society. Our instinct is that we don’t want to mention anything because we are afraid of insulting them. Insulting them…because somehow in our culture getting old is a weakness to be avoided at all costs.
Strange, isn’t it? If we apply the same ageist lens – are we worried about insulting our kids when helping with homework? Are we worried about volunteering in hospitals assisting in wheeling people about? About sending aid to the middle east or to Ukraine? Canada is a helping society…yet… we avoid bringing the subject to our very own parents, because helping them is insulting.
A huge part of that problem is that aging in Canada is, well, not a great experience. Our governments have let us down. They have largely embraced the idea that aging is shameful and needing support shows weakness to justify cost cutting and consistently undervaluing care.
It is high time we normalize having support in this part of life before the crisis occurs.
Family dynamics may also play a large part in why we avoid these conversations. Often, parents simply do not want to be parented by their kids. (They don’t want to hear that we might be right, or they hear “you need help I can’t give”)
We recommend making the environment for your parents the issue (which it is) and making small changes:
- Ensure that bathmats are non-slip and always have non-slip stickers in the bathtub and shower
- Install grab bars in the bathroom
- Ensure that stairs are non-slip or consider a stair-lift
- Suggest an apple watch and activate fall detection
- Ensure there is an emergency contact available near-by (like a neighbour)
- Tape down or remove rugs. (They are cozy but they can be dangerous tripping hazards.)
The conversation can go like this:
- “That is a high step in and out of the tub. How about we get some grab bars to make sure nobody falls?”
- “We could add some of those stickers in the shower to make it less slippery…they are $15.00 on Amazon”
Then…it’s over. Until the next conversation:
- “I found this great bathmat…it is non-slip and absorbs a ton of water. That way the bathroom floor can stay dry”
- “I ran into Sally next door and asked if she would be your emergency contact list while I am out of town…just to be safe.
The idea is to plant little supports so that bigger supports are acceptable – and crises can be minimized.
